It’s been quite awhile since I blogged so I figured that I would put down some of the happenings and thoughts from my life. I’ve noticed an influx of people on Facebook discussing and bringing attention to miscarriage so I’ll chime in with my two cents on it.
Early June 2015 we got the eagerly anticipated, hoped for, and dreamed for double pink lines on a test. The next week was a joyous blur of excitement and dreaming and me planning which of our extra two rooms would be the nursery and all the things that go along with finding out your pregnant for the first time. Then suddenly I noticed things didn’t feel right and didn’t seem right. I took another test and the 2 minutes felt like eternity. It was negative. Thus started a period of time that was some of the darkest days emotionally that I had ever gone through. I felt like I failed our unborn child, like my body failed me, like I failed my husband, and what if I could have done something differently and just didn’t know it. We had been involved with our young adults group but Nathan was working a lot and I just couldn’t handle it emotionally so we pulled away to focus on healing. In the midst of all of this I was dealing with the fact that I had just been let go from my job so we had only half of our income and we had just taken in two friends who needed a safe place to stay. We hadn’t announced to many people that we were pregnant so we never told anyone we had miscarried. It just kind of slowly came out over time to people who would say that just didn’t understand why we had pulled away and such. And thus starts where I want to go with this blog.
There are some comments that we as a church have crafted to help people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, whether child or parent or whomever. Comments that now make me cringe. Here are some that were said to me by completely loving people who meant very well. “It just wasn’t God’s timing.” “You have plenty of time. There will be others.” “I can be your surrogate mom since you’re having trouble.” “This could have been God’s way of keeping you from having a child with a disorder or other issues.” “This could have been God protecting you.” “Well that sucks. But at least you have time to focus on your businesses.” “Well if it was God’s timing everything would have worked out fine.” And one of my least favorites was…”Well maybe you just wanted to be pregnant so badly your body tricked the test into being positive. Because that happens you know.”
I’ve come to realize that perhaps there are never any fantastic answers or things to say to someone who has just lost a child. As a woman it didn’t matter that I’d only known for a week, that was my first child. Looking back there was one response that helped me the most. One of my friend’s spent the entire time telling me that she and her husband were standing with me and Nathan. That they were fighting for healing for our hearts and they were standing in agreement with us that we would have another little one. And recently I’ve come to understand more about why that meant so much. 1) It completely validated that it was okay for me to cry myself to sleep at night because I had loved and lost. 2) It told me that while the enemy had stolen a piece of a dream of mine they were standing with me and fighting with me to get that dream back. The enemy comes to kill steal and destroy. In this case he had managed all three with one fell swoop. But the thing about a family that knows their identity in Christ…the enemy doesn’t get the last word. And so we continue to fight for the restoration and the start of our family.
Don’t get me wrong. There were days that I laid in bed and hid from the world. I still have those days on occasion. All the big holidays and dates are hard as they roll around. Whether you want to or not you notice that it’s the first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that you should be celebrating with a child in your arms, but your not. You notice as you pass the point in time that would have roughly been your due date. And you notice that it would have been your child’s first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, etc. And you know what? That is okay. It’s part of the process. For most people they get pregnant again right away. For us…that hasn’t happened for whatever reason. We eventually got to a point where God told us it was time to get involved with our young adults group again so we dove right in and got to work there. We of course then had to deal with the fact that as a young married couple we had people asking us when we would decide to start a family. The first few times were rather awkward to be honest. But we got to the point where we could laugh it off and insert the clique phrase…all in God’s timing.
The roughest part now I find is looking around and realizing I’m in a really weird place. I’m married so most of my single lady friends have decided that they don’t have time/want to hang out because I have something they want and that is too painful. The group I most relate with is my mom friends but because I don’t have a child in my arms or belly I am an outsider looking in on Facebook posts of happy moms. And my married friend’s who don’t have kids yet have all gotten married in the last year and so they are focused on their job and their husbands (as they well should be). So to those of you mom’s whom only have angels in heaven, or have children but recently lost a child…I get it. I will stand with you and fight with you for your rainbow babies and your families and dreams. I will laugh with you and cry with you. If you need someone to listen to you vent about it, a shoulder to cry on, or even silent company while you contemplate life…you can text me, message me, call me, or find me at church and let me know. The thing I have learned the most this last year is that God is a restorer of hopes and dreams. I stand on it every day.
And that has been my last year. A visiting teacher said it best at church…you have to learn to worship from the dark places. So I have worshiped my way to a place where most days are good days, and I will continue to worship until every day is a good day. 🙂
Thoughts From a Princess Warrior 