Jesus Wept

Jesus wept. It seems so unrelatable in some seasons. But in seasons of loss the depth of this simple statement is huge. In a moment, when Jesus was faced with the loss of a friend, He as the Son of God felt the entire breadth of human emotions. And He cried. I believe He cried for several reasons. He knew where Lazarus was. He knew Lazarus was about to come back to life. But in this moment, even knowing the power of the Holy Spirit and what was about to happen, He took a moment to mourn. I believe He cried because His friend was not on this earth in that moment. I believe He fully felt the grief and pain that we feel when we have lost a child, a parent, a friend, etc. I believe He cried because He felt the pain of those around Him. I believe He was fully aware of the emotions of those around Him and that those emotions touched His heart and moved Him. I believe He cried for all the reasons that we cry.

To cry and grieve is not calling the goodness of God into question. You can mourn your loss and not feel the goodness of God in that place, and still rely on Him for each shaky breath. God gave you those emotions. So in this season, allow yourself the space to feel your loss and to grieve it. He is close to the broken hearted. And He will hold you close each moment of this season. Your emotions do not surprise Him. He’s there with you through each breath, each tear, each scream, each moment you think you can’t go on, and each moment you wonder if the sun will ever shine again. He knows those feelings intimately. He lost His own Son, and watched as His own Son was buried. He knows. He understands. He wept. He’s there with you.

Honoring Your Parents Even When They Do Wrong – Part 2

I covered a lot of the scriptural basis for why I think it’s so important to honor your parents even when they do wrong. The Bible does not leave any grey area there whatsoever. We are commanded to, and even told that we will live a long life if we do. But no basis is ever given for being able to dishonor them, speak badly about them, or disrespect them because of something they messed up on.

I get that life does not always hand us parents that make great decisions. Some parents are physically abusive, some are mentally abusive, and some allow things in the home that hurts us and causes us trauma. Speaking up about things entering the home that can lead to abuse and trauma is a huge need. I think it’s something that the church often avoids because it’s a touchy topic. But where you are coming from on that, how you speak of it, how you refer to examples from your own life, and so on can be very damaging if you have not fully healed before speaking about it. There are safe places to discuss what happened so that you can process and heal. Those safe places are not with your friends and on social media. Those safe places are not any place that lends itself to gossip or where gossip may spring from what you discuss. Those safe places ARE with a counselor, therapist, Godly counsel from an elder at your church, someone on a transformations style ministry at your church, or a mentor. People God places in your life to help you learn and grow are going to be ones who always point you back to Him. Believe me, I get that mental health is a huge thing! I’ve struggled with it for my entire adult life, and it stems from things I experienced as a teenager and young adult. There has been a TON to process and heal from. There have been many things that I could have chosen to point fingers about and passed the blame on. There are things that were said and done that could have embittered me and left me feeling like a victim who managed to heal despite what was thrown my way. I could choose to speak ill of the people who said and did things that hurt me, and some of that can go back as far as my parents. Honestly, if we are all honest there is going to be something for each person on this earth that their parents did or said that hurt them. What we do with that though is what matters.

So if I can’t blow up on social media or blow off steam with my friends on what crap my parents did, then what can I do? Take it to God. Every time you think about it take it to God. Every time it makes you sad, take it to God. Every time it makes you furious, take it to God. Every time it makes you sick to your stomach, take it to God. If you need another person to help walk you through that journey then go to someone who is good solid Godly counsel, someone who points you back to God no matter what you throw at them or say to them. That person needs to be older than you and have experienced much in life. The difference between the two halves of Israel after they split and had two kings was one king went to his friends who were his age for advice. The other king went to his elders even if he didn’t immediately agree with what they said. Our elders have learned a lot from life. They may rub us the wrong way, and we may want to say that they are religious and just make us so frustrated. But they are learned so much first handed. They’ve done things right and they’ve done things wrong. They know things first handed that people our age just do not have experience in. Our elders are who God put there to help guide us and teach us and show us how to walk. Make sure this elder you go to is a safe place. A place where you can go process all your emotions with, but who doesn’t spread what you say. If what you say is going to travel on a grapevine or a prayer circle then that person is not a safe place. And limit your processing with people. Try to keep it to one, maybe two people. Talking about what happened is not what brings the healing. God is Who brings the healing. Then once you are healed, when thinking of it no longer hurts you, makes you revert to the age you were when it happened, makes you angry, etc., then you have a testimony to share.

How you share that testimony though will speak volumes about your character. Do you beat down the person who did you wrong with your words and make them out to be a horrible person, while making yourself to be the hero or victim extraordinaire? Or do you tell it in a way so as to not taint other people’s views of the person you are referring to? Do you tell it in a way of saying quickly what happened, but focusing on how God healed you? Do you share it as briefly discussing vague details of what happened so you can give a framework of the pitfalls of a sin that you wish to warn people of? These are ways that can be safe ways to honorably share something that happened in your life that was wrong so you can warn others about the pitfalls of it. “So and so struggled with x, it led to y happening in my life, and here is why it is Biblically wrong and what God has to say about it.” Maybe you share about it with someone who is struggling with the same temptation. Maybe you share about it with someone who went through the same experience as you so that you can encourage them with the fact that there is healing and freedom on the other side of the healing. But your point should never ever be to destroy your parents with your words. And if you find yourself ending up there when talking with friends, family, or on social media then it’s time for another heart check and more processing with God. Believe me, there’s days I think I’ve healed every bit of something and then another little/big emotion or detail comes to the surface and back through the healing process we go. That’s okay! That’s normal. But venting about it to friends, family, and/or on social media only brings more hurt to yourself and others and brings shame into the equation. Shame is not of God. That’s a whole separate topic. But if your words bring shame to someone else or cause shame to be cast onto someone else then your words are no longer being respectful.

This is something I’ve seen tear through my family again and again and again. It’s something that I’ve been tempted with time and time and again. So it’s also something I am highly passionate about. Honor your parents. Even when they do wrong. Even when they don’t deserve it. It goes back to the parable about the man forgiven a lot who couldn’t forgive someone who wronged him a little. (Matthew 18:21-35) It goes back to scripture talking about how what is in your heart is what comes out of your mouth. It goes back to so so many principles all through the Bible from Genesis to Revelation. It may not makes sense here and now, but God often asks us to do what does not make sense to our finite minds. However when we choose to do as He asks us to then we walk in the blessings of the promises that follow His commands.

What would happen…

What would happen if, when we see someone share a belief that they think has Biblical grounding, but our gut reaction is to publicly disagree…what if we choose instead to wait to respond? What if we first went to God and spent several days asking Him to show us what the other person was seeing and hearing from God on that subject? What if we slowed down long enough to realize that maybe the fact we have a knee jerk reaction to their belief means God wants to talk to us about something in our own life? What if we take the time to listen? What if something we have seen as a negative that was believed by our elders actually had some truth to it? What if we listened with an open heart to what those younger than us feel they are hearing from God? And then what if we dig into the Bible and see if maybe God is doing something and highlighting an area of complacency in our life? And what if we realize that a woman under the covering of her husband or father might actually get a good revelation from God that is worth listening to? What revelations might we be missing because of gender gaps and generational gaps in the church?

And what could happen if we respectfully ask questions and carry on a private (not on social media) conversation with the person, if we still disagree after seeking God’s heart on the matter? What if instead of sarcastic, demeaning, and/or angry comments that shut down relationship and open/honest dialogue we respond with honest respectful questions from a heart that wants to protect the relationship and learn more about the other person? What if we assume that even though we are smart/brilliant and have done tons of research and are just positive we know the correct answer…maybe God just had not highlighted this to us yet, and maybe there is something new to learn? What could honor and respect do even in disagreement? What could God show us if we remain teachable, humble, loving, and quiet? What might He be trying to do?

What if our words spoken/typed from a callous, hardened, disrespectful, hurtful place are attacking something God is wanting to say and do? Words spoken from that place are the opposite of the way God instructs us to respond in the Bible. So what if we respond with the fruits of the Spirit that we as Christians should be operating out of? What if?…

Honoring Your Parents Even When They Do Wrong – Part 1

This is something that seems to be thrown around so much by Christian parents. “Honor me! The Bible says you will love long when you honor me. Honor me means you have to obey me. You must do what I say because God says so.” And the list goes on. I even remember having a discussion with my father, years ago, about when that scripture didn’t apply anymore because he didn’t honor his parents. I was told that the scripture doesn’t time out, but his situation with his parents was different. A classic “do as I say not as I do moment.”

Honor seems to be one of the first casualties in relationship. And when there is pain, sin, and other things involved this scripture is thrown right out the proverbial window in the guise of “being honest, sharing what happened so others don’t get hurt, not being controlled, not being silenced”, etc. But do we understand what honor is? Do we understand what God is saying here? Do we still follow this even when our parents did something we disagree with? Do we still honor our parents even if they did things that caused us massive pain? Do we still honor our parents even if they broke God’s laws? Do we still obey this command and honor our parents even when they caused us massive trauma and their decisions wrecked what we see as our life?

It’s so easy to want to say “No! You absolutely don’t have to! You owe them nothing. They did all this to you, and now you need to heal. And to heal, and prevent this from happening to others, you need to tell everyone. Put them on blast! Tell everyone in person and on social media. Get it off your chest. You owe it to yourself.” And the justifications go on and on. It’s so easy to go that route! And some of it might even be approved or encouraged by a counselor or therapist. But I want to talk about what God says in the Bible, not what the world says.

I may not be popular for saying this, but you absolutely SHOULD honor your parents. No matter what they did or said. You should honor them. And if you were adopted you do not get a pass. You should honor your birth parents AND your adoptive parents. God did not put time limits or clauses about if they do x, y, or z then you no longer need to honor them. All through scripture we see that we are responsible for our actions and words no matter what the other person does. And this is no different.

Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

Ephesians 6:1-3 ” Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise – so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Deuteronomy 5:16 also mentions the same thing.

When you take this back to the original Hebrew and Greek you get a bit of a picture. Tekva is the word “children” in Ephesians 6:1. It means “a child, descendant, inhabitant.” Hupakouo is the word obey. It means “to hear under, i.e. to listen attentively; by implication, to head or conform to a command or authority.” I only found this world for child in the NT and it literally means child in any age when it is used. This word for obey is used all through the Bible, and most often used in verses talking about us and the gospel or us and God. Tima is the word for honor. It means “to price, i.e. fix a valuation upon; by implication, to revere.” This word is also used when talking about honoring widows, how God will honor you when you serve Him, and how you are to honor all people, and how Jesus honored the Father.

Our English dictionary defines the word obey as “to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions of; to obey one’s parents.” Honor is defined as “to hold in honor or high respect; revere; to treat with honor.” Children can range in definition from infant to descendant.

So how does this apply when we are adults? And how does this apply when they have been involved in life events that caused us trauma? I will cover more of that in part two.

Love

Many in my generation do not truly understand love. We think it is something we can fall in and out of. We think the other person could only love us as long as they do what we want them to, as long as they act like we think they should, as long as they listen the way we think they should, and so on. If that person does not live up to the way we think they should, we not only decide they don’t love us, we decide the relationship is no longer worth our time. And then we decide they are no longer worth our love. I’m not talking about boundaries. There is a time and a place for boundaries. However, boundaries in love is a topic for another day.

So if love is not situational, if love is not guided by feelings and attraction, if love is not controlled by what the other person does, if love is not controlled by whether there is sexual contact or not; than what is love? And what does love look like?

To truly understand love we must realize that our society has cheapened love, and does not understand what it is. Even most self-help books, counselors, therapists, and even some churches and books written by Christians are misled on what love is and how to obtain it. So how do we figure out what love really is? We go straight to the source. The Bible is the best measuring stick for what love is. Most people know about the “love chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13. Or really we know about 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. We also know about the Golden Rule. But do we truly understand the love that carried Jesus through dying on the cross for our sins whether we accept it and love Him back or not? Do we understand that the love God asks us to have for our fellow human is that kind of love? And do we understand that the love for our spouse and children is to be at that level?

John 15:12-14 “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” Romans 6:10a “The death he died, he died to sin once and for all;” 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” John 3:14-17 “Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him. ‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”

God tells us to love each other as He has loved us.. But we have to look all the way from Genesis to Revelation to see a true picture of how He loved us. He loved us so much that when we made ourselves unable to be in His presence because of our sin, He chose to make a way for us to still be in relationship with Him. He sent His only Son to die on a cross, to completely remove our sins (not just atone them), to make us blameless and without sin, so we could be in relationship with Him if we chose to accept that gift. He did not do all of that to point out each of our flaws and sins and call us unlovable. How many of us love the person next door to us like that? Much less our spouse or child. Are you willing to lay down everything you want, and are, for your friend, spouse, child, and neighbor? Are you willing to give up your favorite pass time for your spouse? Are you willing to never again participate in your favorite “self-care” routine so you can be in relationship with your spouse or child? Are you willing to lay down what you want and like for your spouse whether they ever choose to do that for you? This is how God has called us to live and to love.

Thoughts to ponder:

What are some areas I excel at loving my friends/spouse/children like this?

What are some areas I need to grow in as I learn to love like this?

He’s Working ALL Things Out For My Good? Even loss?

I was sitting in church yesterday morning, enjoying Easter Sunday with my church family, and loving every moment of my ever active son moving around excitedly in my womb. The teaching was good and I took a moment to think about where I am now and where I was two years ago. Memories from two years ago come up more and more often I find as we get closer to the beginning of June. With the painful memories always comes a deep thankfulness for where we are now, and many many prayers that Papa God will keep this precious boy safe and healthy because I never want to go through that dark season again. And then our pastor quoted a scripture that I now have a new understanding of, but two years ago felt like another knife in an already bleeding heart. Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” I honestly can’t say that I remember much of what our pastor said after that because I began to think about the people I know who have gone through and are currently going through my living hell from two years ago. And I realized that as Christians we love to quote this scripture to people whether they are going through something hard or not, and we know how amazing and deep the scripture is…but if that person is going through something difficult at the moment if they are anything like I was in that season they want to hit you over the head and tell you that you have no clue what they are going through and how could God ever in a million years work THAT out to be good. So here’s just something that was on my heart about how THAT can happen and God still work it out.

Quick back story is that early June of 2015 Nathan and I had been married for just over 6 months, and we were hoping to add to our family that first year because he was already late 20’s and I was mid-20’s. We both had wanted children since we were about 8, and I had received numerous prophetic words from different people in different churches about being a mother to many. Since I wasn’t getting any younger it seemed like a great time to start working on our family. We left everything in God’s hands and didn’t stress about when, but prayed that when the timing was right God would allow us to have our first child. So beginning of June we found out that we were pregnant. It was a faint line, but we were so so so very excited! We had a friend and her daughter living in the room that we had been planning on using for a nursery so we talked about how a couple of months before the baby got here we would ask our friend to move one room over in our house so that we could get our nursery ready for our first baby. In the space of a couple of days I went from zero to 60 and could barely keep myself together I was so excited!  Then I fell while cleaning out the bathtub in our second bathroom and landed on my stomach. I immediately was hoping and praying that our baby would stay safe.  Sure that everything would be fine because I prayed I moved on with life. And then it started. Because I had begun to bleed I took another test and this time the line was no where to be seen. I did some quick research and found that there was no reason to go in to the doctor to be seen unless the bleeding didn’t stop. Basically the egg never properly implanted, and thus I lost the pregnancy.

And thus began a very rough, painful, and dark season for me. I honestly felt super out of touch with people, my husband, and God. It also began a season where people’s responses to me were well meant, but very well covered with what I’ve heard termed as a spirit of stupid. I heard everything from “God was just trying to save you from having a child with disabilities”, to “I’ll be your surrogate!” Each one had me cringing more and wanting to hide from church, life, and spend all day in bed avoiding everything. So I began to pull away from people and church and even only talking to God long enough to tell Him I wasn’t okay and how could He allow this. What happened to all His promises? What happened to His protection and love? How do I trust someone who says He loved me enough to die for me, but then allowed my first child to be stripped away from me? And of course the feelings of why am I even alive and what am I even here for began to flood back because the enemy is just not cool.

Because everything in life tends to hit at once I was also dealing with the fact that I had also just lost my job. It was taking every ounce of effort between Nathan working two jobs and me working full time to keep our heads above water with a house, bills, and two house guests. And so on top of wanting to hide all day I also needed to find a new job so that we didn’t have to flood credit cards with groceries and other necessities of life. This was also the first and only time I had and have ever been let go from a job. So on top of all the other emotions I was going through I was dealing with feelings of being unable to provide for my family, wondering if my work ethic was really as bad as I felt it must have been to have lost my job, and the I’m not good enough to keep a job, not good enough to help provide for my family, and not good enough to protect my own child in the womb. Worthless would be a great word to describe how I was feeling.

Thus began the longest year and a half of my life. I was forced to learn how to hear God when things weren’t going well. I spent months asking Him why He disappeared when I needed Him most before I discovered how He was trying to speak to me. I had so shut Him out because I was hurt that I couldn’t hear or see Him telling me how much He loved me every day. I was forced to learn how to communicate with and connect with my husband when I could barely see around the fog in my own world. I had to learn to see that even though he wasn’t grieving the same way I was he was still my rock and was still there to hold me while I emotionally broke over little things. So many times I asked him how he wasn’t falling apart like I was because I just couldn’t understand why this didn’t hurt him like it did me. Through this season I met a very different side of my husband, one I don’t think I would have ever fully understood or appreciated if we hadn’t walked through this time. It brought us together in ways I can’t even begin to explain. And in the midst of all of this I learned more fully how to celebrate other people and how to really put aside my fears and emotions so that I could truly be excited with them when they were in a place that I so desperately wanted to be.

Let me just say that I know how difficult it is to be at a place where you are mourning the loss of your own child and yet life is moving on around you and everyone else it seems is announcing their pregnancies and babies being born. There were days I sat in a quiet house and asked God why was so and so able to have a child or another child but I wasn’t. I would have loved that child regardless of whether he/she was “perfect” or not. There were days where I was getting ready to go to a baby shower of a friend who was due around the same time I would have been and my husband would hold me while I fought the tears and all I could say was I just don’t get it I just don’t understand. And each time I would wipe away the tears (put on makeup to cover the red blotches) and go celebrate another precious little one coming. I would come home with stories about how fun the baby shower was and how we all enjoyed it and how I just couldn’t wait to meet that cute little baby when they got here. And then later I would ask God when would it be my turn?

By the time a year and a half was coming to a close I had come to a place where I wondered if God had a different meaning behind telling me I would be a mother to many. I couldn’t figure out what in the world it was since every avenue possible was coming to an end in shambles all around me. The young adults group I was part of was disbanded so that couldn’t have been what God meant, I wasn’t getting pregnant so there must be something wrong with me and that must not have been what God meant, and the only thing in my foreseeable future was my candle business. So I threw myself into it, booked up lots of craft fairs, spend tons of time working on the business, because this was my new life. People were praying for me that my body would come into alignment and that hindrances would be removed and one person even came up to church and told me that she saw green grass popping up all over me which meant new life. And I gladly accepted each prayer and everything I was told, and I believed what they said, but handed it all over to God and said here you do something with it cause I’ve got no grid for what to do with that. I was getting my baby snuggles in once a month in the church nursery and fully expected that’s how it would be for a good long time.

Somewhere around one year after loosing our baby I watched my husband finally break down. That is easily one of the hardest things I have ever watched. It lasted maybe 15 minutes, but there is nothing like watching a father mourn the loss of a child. In that moment I gained a whole new appreciation for how God the Father felt as He turned His back on His Son for just three short days. To this day I still can’t stop the tears when I remember the raw emotions that I watched my husband process that day. I felt helpless as I watched my big strong man lay in bed and shake with the emotions that boiled to the surface. He told me later that I did the one and only thing that he needed and helped, laid there with him and held him and cried with him.

Four months later is when everything changed. Our rainbow began to grow and life took on a different meaning. And the emotions and such that I then had to process at that point are a topic for another blog one day. There was a lot to be processed as I wasn’t sure if I should celebrate or not. But now to cover some of the things that I learned about Romans 8:28.

He is working ALL things out for my good. That is a promise. One that I can look back and see some of the ways that He did so. To be honest that whole season still looks really bleak and dark. There are still some painful emotions attached to it that I’m sure I will be processing and talking with God about for years to come. My parents always taught me growing up that God does not take someone from you and He definitely doesn’t take your child. And so in that season I held on to the memory of my parents telling me that sometimes God allows things that we don’t understand, that are painful, but that He does have a reason and a purpose. They used to tell me, “Rebecca we live in a fallen world. Sometimes things happen as part of that because we do live in a fallen world.” I’m not going to lie…it was everything I could do to hold on to the part about this being something allowed and not God taking something from me. And there were days where my grasp on that would slip and I would ask God why He took my child. But I fought to keep coming back to a place where I could sit before God and say “hey this is not okay! I don’t feel okay! I’m not okay right now! You allowed this, but I need something to hold on to as a reason and a purpose for this right now. I’m going to fall apart beyond repair if I don’t have a purpose for this!  Give me something…anything!” I can’t say that  I ever felt like He gave me a clear response on that. But something that I began to realize over time was that the very fact that I kept talking to Him was everything. Yes I was hurt, I was mad, and boy did I ever let Him know that I was royally not okay with Him right then. But I never quit talking to Him. I spent over a year never hearing anything back as I ranted, and cried, and some times yelled at Him…but slowly and quietly I began to realize that I couldn’t hear Him because He was holding me and crying with me. I began to understand that He had never left and the only reason I didn’t completely and utterly self-destruct during that time was because He was holding me tight. I couldn’t feel it at the time, but it was true. About that point is when I started hearing the Lauren Daigle song “Trust In You”. And it usually ended up playing while I was driving by myself and I would end up choking the words of the chorus out through tears while trying to drive…every time I heard it.

“When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!”

Some days I would pull the song up on my phone and listen to it three and four times and just let the tears flow. And I began to realize why I connected so well with the song. God was answering a small piece of what had happened in the last months. He didn’t move my mountain that I so deeply wished He would move, He didn’t part the waters for me, and He didn’t give me answers in that season…but I chose to trust and hold on to that trust with everything in me. Many days I was right about where the disciples were when Peter told Jesus “where else would we go?” Yeah I could have walked away from my relationship with God…but where else would I have gone? Who else would I have to turn to?

And then the bridge of that song struck home. “There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood.” I felt alone in that season, but I was never alone. He lost His Son too. He knows that pain.

So where is the good in that dark season? Where is the beauty in all the pain? I really believe I’m only beginning to see some of the good and the beauty. I came out of it a stronger person. More sure of who I am and who I am in Christ. It strengthened my marriage in ways I would have never expected. It brought Nathan and I closer together then ever before. And it deepened my faith and my trust in God. It’s not how I would have liked to go about it all…but it is beauty in the pain. For now I see in part…and later I will see in full. I know that right now I only see a tiny bit of what actually happened in that season. I’m sure I will continue to see small glimpses of why we went through that season, and maybe one day when standing before God I can ask Him to explain it in full. I will always remember our first child, and there is a stained glass butterfly we have that we are still looking for the right place to hang it up in remembrance. But I’m glad to know that if we couldn’t hold that precious little bundle then that bundle will grow up always knowing the depth of the love of the Father and never have to go through the growing and stretching and learning that we have had to go through on this earth.

So to answer some questions that I know come up for those of us mothers who recently lost a baby or lost a baby at any point in life. No I don’t think the pain ever fully goes away. It gets easier with time, you can come to terms with it and grow from it and such, but I know a mom who lost her son 29 years ago and there are days when it still hurts. If you know what their birthday was or would have been you will probably always remember and possibly celebrate that day. If you know the exact day they went to be with Jesus or a general time frame…you will probably always remember that and it may sneak up on you more some years. Each person handles it differently. I don’t think that there is a right and a wrong way to grieve…and sometimes it takes years. I do think that you fair it much better when you hold onto your spouse and God with everything in you. And I do think that there are a few questions that are quite helpful even if you have to ask them with every single breath you breathe…”God where are you in this? And give me a purpose and a promise and a reason to hold onto in this season.”

And please know…I’ve been there…the raw emotions of it all don’t scare me. I’ve dealt with depression (yes even to the point of thinking of ending my life…when I was early 20’s but I’ve dealt with it). And I am definitely just a message, text, email, phone call away. I will pray with you, fight with you, stand with you, cry with you, and just be there to listen to you if you need and want that. Just reach out! It’s okay to need someone.

It Happens In A Blink

Yesterday my husband and I watched a fatality car crash happen maybe 4 or 5 cars in front of us. Traffic going 75+ mph and all it took was the driver swerving a little too hard, over correcting, and then lost control. The image of what appeared to be an 18 passenger van flying off the pavement and being propelled out of the ditch by the front right bumper catching the ground will be ingrained in my memory for a very long time. And my thought process that took point 2 seconds to realize what was going on, started with “wow they are exiting really fast…that’s not an exit…they are going to flip.” It rolled and rolled and stuff flew out, cars screeched to a stop as people around raced to help. Nathan threw the car in park and took off with a brief word to call 911. I still feel the horror and the tears I was fighting as I realized that a person had been flung out along with baggage from the car. At first the only words coming out of my mouth after my call to 911 was “Oh God”. I literally couldn’t piece together more then that. I watched as several people stayed with the guy on the ground and the others spread out around the  van. Emergency vehicles started arriving less than 5 minutes later, but it felt like an eternity. By that point I still couldn’t put together cohesive words in English (I was very proud of myself for managing to speak coherently with the operator), but the words of heaven started flowing through my mouth. I don’t think I will ever know what I spent the next who knows how long praying., but I do believe that heaven knew and reacted. I lost track of time as it felt like time stood still.  I found out later on that traffic was completely stopped for about a half hour for three helicopters to airlift those who were injured the worst. I kept hoping and praying that a fourth helicopter would arrive, but none did. Nathan came back after the person he was with had been airlifted and told me there had been six people in the vehicle. He and I know for sure we saw three airlifted and two walking around. We found out later on that the driver passed away. All in all we probably were there for at least an hour, and I have never been so glad to see how fast emergency responders are able to get to a scene.

The rest of the trip home I was still trying to remember how to breathe and not flinch at every little swerve or noise around us. That is probably something that will stick around for a little bit. But in that one blink of an eye lives were forever changed. I always knew that life was fragile. As a child I had lost people who were near to my heart, but as a child I think in a way it doesn’t always sink in as deeply. Last night drove home the point that absolutely no one is promised tomorrow. I have hopes and dreams and promises from God have been spoken over my life and I can not wait for those to happen! But in a blink of an eye, because I live in a fallen world I could be the one in that vehicle tumbling and tumbling through an old field. And as I started processing through all of those emotions my heart began to break for all the people and families who are working through situations right now and are not whole. I saw even more clearly the hand of protection that God has always had over my life, and I am so so thankful for it. But my heart continues to ache for the families who are struggling.

So I plead with you today…go to your families and fix what is not right. If you are estranged from your parents or siblings or grandparents; put those differences aside and realize that to forgive someone and to move on does not mean that person did not hurt you…it means that you are not holding unforgiveness in your heart. If you have to apologize for something for the 100th time even though you don’t feel like you have to because that person really wronged you; do it! Go before God and make sure your heart is whole and not harboring unforgiveness towards any person. There is a parable that Jesus told about a king who forgave a man’s debt, but that man then went and threw someone who owed him much less in prison until that debt could be paid. When the king found out about that situation he was very upset and had that man thrown in jail until the debt was paid. Jesus then went on to say that is God will treat us if we refuse to forgive those around us. (matthew 18:21-35) What that drives home to me is that Jesus meant what he said about forgiveness. Believe me…true forgiveness is not easy or fun. Sometimes it is moment by moment forgiving the person that wronged you. But I would rather forgive someone of something they did to me regardless of how they see or feel about the situation than have God refuse to forgive me. My own family is torn right now because of this very issue. I have done everything that I can do and am walking out forgiveness and good relationships with both sides of my family right now. But a line was drawn in the sand by one side and now there are hard hearts and unforgiveness. It’s so hard to watch. I would share more of the situation, but at this point I do not feel like a public place is a good way to share it. But if you are struggling with unforgiveness please find someone you can dialogue with to help you. Your life is not worth being right. Your life is not worth not forgiving someone. Your life is not worth the amount of unhealthy stress you are putting on yourself and those around you. Learn how to forgive and move on. It’s okay to move on without everyone agreeing with how you see things. Make sure your heart is right before God and make sure you are communication and releasing the truth of God’s love, mercy, and forgiveness over those around you. Jesus did not require you agree with Him on everything before He died and forgave your sin. He gave His life freely and He forgives you freely. In that way forgive and move on. Pretty sure Jesus didn’t spend the rest of His time on earth telling the disciples…hey I know I died to forgive you but I really don’t like that you didn’t support me in front of the Sanhedrin. So you know what…I’m not going to forgive you. You are going to have to apologize and make restitution and actually repent the way I want you to before I will forgive you and let you walk with me.  No He didn’t do that and I see absolutely nothing in scripture that says that He wants us to treat others like that either. Forgive forgive forgive as the Lord forgave you. Forgive WHATEVER grievances you may have against one another. Live in harmony. And remember that YOU are worth WAY more than remembering and holding past grievances against those around you. Forgive and forget my parents always told me growing up. I really did not grow up seeing it lived out, but I took it to heart. I prayed and I struggled and I eventually learned a small piece of how to forgive that way. I know I still have a long way to go in learning, but I am learning and I really encourage you to learn as well.

Thoughts On A Rainy Day

It’s been quite awhile since I blogged so I figured that I would put down some of the happenings and thoughts from my life. I’ve noticed an influx of people on Facebook discussing and bringing attention to miscarriage so I’ll chime in with my two cents on it.

Early June 2015 we got the eagerly anticipated, hoped for, and dreamed for double pink lines on a test. The next week was a joyous blur of excitement and dreaming and me planning which of our extra two rooms would be the nursery and all the things that go along with finding out your pregnant for the first time. Then suddenly I noticed things didn’t feel right and didn’t seem right. I took another test and the 2 minutes felt like eternity. It was negative. Thus started a period of time that was some of the darkest days emotionally that I had ever gone through. I felt like I failed our unborn child, like my body failed me, like I failed my husband, and what if I could have done something differently and just didn’t know it. We had been involved with our young adults group but Nathan was working a lot and I just couldn’t handle it emotionally so we pulled away to focus on healing. In the midst of all of this I was dealing with the fact that I had just been let go from my job so we had only half of our income and we had just taken in two friends who needed a safe place to stay. We hadn’t announced to many people that we were pregnant so we never told anyone we had miscarried. It just kind of slowly came out over time to people who would say that just didn’t understand why we had pulled away and such. And thus starts where I want to go with this blog.

There are some comments that we as a church have crafted to help people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, whether child or parent or whomever. Comments that now make me cringe. Here are some that were said to me by completely loving people who meant very well. “It just wasn’t God’s timing.” “You have plenty of time. There will be others.” “I can be your surrogate mom since you’re having trouble.” “This could have been God’s way of keeping you from having a child with a disorder or other issues.” “This could have been God protecting you.” “Well that sucks. But at least you have time to focus on your businesses.” “Well if it was God’s timing everything would have worked out fine.” And one of my least favorites was…”Well maybe you just wanted to be pregnant so badly your body tricked the test into being positive. Because that happens you know.”

I’ve come to realize that perhaps there are never any fantastic answers or things to say to someone who has just lost a child. As a woman it didn’t matter that I’d only known for a week, that was my first child. Looking back there was one response that helped me the most. One of my friend’s spent the entire time telling me that she and her husband were standing with me and Nathan. That they were fighting for healing for our hearts and they were standing in agreement with us that we would have another little one. And recently I’ve come to understand more about why that meant so much. 1) It completely validated that it was okay for me to cry myself to sleep at night because I had loved and lost. 2) It told me that while the enemy had stolen a piece of a dream of mine they were standing with me and fighting with me to get that dream back. The enemy comes to kill steal and destroy. In this case he had managed all three with one fell swoop. But the thing about a family that knows their identity in Christ…the enemy doesn’t get the last word. And so we continue to fight for the restoration and the start of our family.

Don’t get me wrong. There were days that I laid in bed and hid from the world. I still have those days on occasion. All the big holidays and dates are hard as they roll around. Whether you want to or not you notice that it’s the first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that you should be celebrating with a child in your arms, but your not. You notice as you pass the point in time that would have roughly been your due date. And you notice that it would have been your child’s first 4th of July, Thanksgiving, etc. And you know what? That is okay. It’s part of the process. For most people they get pregnant again right away. For us…that hasn’t happened for whatever reason. We eventually got to a point where God told us it was time to get involved with our young adults group again so we dove right in and got to work there. We of course then had to deal with the fact that as a young married couple we had people asking us when we would decide to start a family. The first few times were rather awkward to be honest. But we got to the point where we could laugh it off and insert the clique phrase…all in God’s timing.

The roughest part now I find is looking around and realizing I’m in a really weird place. I’m married so most of my single lady friends have decided that they don’t have time/want to hang out because I have something they want and that is too painful. The group I most relate with is my mom friends but because I don’t have a child in my arms or belly I am an outsider looking in on Facebook posts of happy moms. And my married friend’s who don’t have kids yet have all gotten married in the last year and so they are focused on their job and their husbands (as they well should be). So to those of you mom’s whom only have angels in heaven, or have children but recently lost a child…I get it. I will stand with you and fight with you for your rainbow babies and your families and dreams. I will laugh with you and cry with you. If you need someone to listen to you vent about it, a shoulder to cry on, or even silent company while you contemplate life…you can text me, message me, call me, or find me at church and let me know. The thing I have learned the most this last year is that God is a restorer of hopes and dreams. I stand on it every day.

And that has been my last year. A visiting teacher said it best at church…you have to learn to worship from the dark places. So I have worshiped my way to a place where most days are good days, and I will continue to worship until every day is a good day. 🙂

Thoughts From a Mother’s Heart

So at first the other day I thought I might have a slight problem. I had just spent some time trying to convince someone that I was not actually a mother, much less a new mother. I was completely not understanding where in the world she would have gotten this impression, and then I started thinking about the last few months. I rarely make it into town for occasions other then work. However, in the recent months when I am in town I either have a baby in my arms or am covered in what I term…baby love. This love consists of the usual. All you mom’s are nodding and smiling as you remember the days of walking around covered in drool, spit-up, formula or milk, baby food, and oh please tell me that was not the diaper that just exploded! 😀 That being said, I also have spent the last few months walking around with that crazy smile that says I’m totally in love with this little miracle that I am carrying. If you doubt me then just take a quick browse through my recent photo posts and probably 90% of them are of me looking like a proud new mom. (My poor friends…they usually walk up behind me right as someone is asking me how old my kid is lol!!!!) So after some slight consideration I realized that I have absolutely no problems and instead lots of love and precious blessings in my life. 🙂

If you’ve been around me long you have probably gathered that I tend to have a slight (errr…very) mothering spirit about me. In fact, I made a comment a couple of years ago that I was just so excited for my kids and I so enjoy watching them grow up. Now, if you’ve been around me long you also know that I am neither married nor have kids of my own. So who are these kids? Honestly they are various people that God has brought into my life. They have ranged from older then me by many years to the precious infants I love so much. I don’t care what you’ve done or not done, but if for some reason the motherly instincts get tripped in me then the world better watch out because I will defend you till the day I die and I will try to protect you and love you as best I can. That being said…you may not ever realize that’s what’s going on. But I can promise you that I am praying that you get how much Papa God loves you, I am cheering you on as you live life, I am laughing and crying with you, and I will run to the ends of the earth to help you no matter what the consequences might be to me. What I have is yours, and that much you probably do know. Right now God’s been kind of pulling me back and showing me some things so I really don’t know that I am working in this aspect much at the moment. There are a handful of people that I know that do trip this instinct, but that is a thought for another day.

When I say that you may not ever realize I view you as one of my kids what do I mean? Well that is a good question. A couple of years ago I was somewhat involved with the local Teen Challenge center. By that I mean I was dating one of their staff members, and my brother was playing on a worship team that played there once a month. While dating the staff member I attended their open campus chapel services and in time I began viewing each of those young men as my child. You might find this extremely odd, and your probably right. How in the world do you view 30 + guys ranging in age from 18 to 70 as your own child when you are only early 20’s? It’s a God thing I promise. I honestly prayed every day for each one, I cried with them and laughed with them, I watched them grow in the Lord, and cheered and cried as each one grew up and graduated from the program. And to this day when I catch news of their successes and learning processes I smile, laugh, and cry with them even though they have no idea that I do so. Those precious men are my boys. 🙂 The world knows them by their records, but I know them by their smile and love of the Lord. My boys are now spread out around the US, but I still pray for them wherever they are.

So why do I look like a proud new mom when I don’t feel like I’m truly mothering anyone right now? Good question! I would say it is because I am in the process of learning how to love and care for each person that God brings into my life. There is a handful of people that I will stop in my tracks to help (recently proven), and while I pray for, laugh with, cry with, love on, and cheer them on just like my boys…the connection is different. It is much much stronger. So…thoughts from a mother’s heart…what happens when God starts radically changing the way you love those around you…and when He starts radically changing your perception of those closest to you? Hmmmmm…

(For the record…my brothers are not to be mixed up with my boys…but don’t you mess with my brothers either.) 😀

Goodness Look At The Time

Yikes!!! I sure let time run away from me! I feel as though i barely blinked and now look how long it has been since I last wrote. A lot has changed in my world recently. There’s been quite a bit of shifting not only in a spiritual sense but also in relationships and people groups I do life with. I find out more and more each day how strategic God has been with the skills he has placed in me and the people he has placed me with. Perhaps i will share more later, but for now i shall leave it as…life has a crazy way of throwing you for a loop. Are you built on the solid rock where you can stand the waves? Or are you built on the sand where one wave will crumble your foundation?